Denouement

For months I've been debating whether or not to keep this blog, to continue writing, to even keep the existing content.

This week, I decided that it needed to go.

The writings are all still there, just in an unpublished state.

I can't keep up something that isn't my life anymore. Something that doesn't represent me, something that I don't want to represent me.

There are moments in there of genuine happiness and learning, of introspection and delight, but there's also so much pain, humiliation, degradation, violence. Every time I'd hear a compliment from a well-wisher about how they enjoyed my writing, I'd wince a little on the inside.

Some of the posts, I'd been forced to write.

Others, I had to ask permission or approval or change things that weren't deemed suitable.

And while the more recent ones are written with honesty and happiness, they don't belong here. Not in the same place.

Even as I glance over each post for mere seconds, I find my stomach has twisted, my mouth wanting the burn of whisky, and my flesh the pain by my own hands.

Je veux seulement l'oublier.